you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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