I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
