thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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