i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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