oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I've blown a few things in my day
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
