a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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