I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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