There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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