So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
