How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
just found out that she named her cat after me.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
