Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
