woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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