id be glad to
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
