Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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