Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
