Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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