She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
