I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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