I looked at my own cervix.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
