I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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