Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
