i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Two words: blizzard sex
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
