apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
