my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
