This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
