Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
