ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
