First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
