I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
