apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
i now understand why vodka
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
