update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
