DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
