yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
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Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
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I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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