Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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