dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
