If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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