I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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