Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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