i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
