Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
The cops high fived after they tackled you
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
