I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Are my feet made of real feet?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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