So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
