I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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