Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
