Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
