So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
dude i'm inner monologue high
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
