I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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