I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
