My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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