LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
