im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
