you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
