I wish my penis had an off switch
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
