so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
