im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
